Wednesday, January 06, 2016

How to Ruin a (Post) Christmas Song

A friend shared this with me:

In a fit of deliberate obtuseness, I responded by pointing out that in Murney's song, she killed or rejected every gift AS SHE GOT THEM. Her true love should thank the Lord to be rid of that psychotic woman.

Now, I know it's supposed to be a funny song, and it is. It's supposed to happen after she got all the gifts (she has the liturgical calendar completely turned around, confusing Christmastide with Advent). I happen to think it's just a lot funnier to make somebody think it through and realize what's actually being sung.

Now, the Twelve Days of Christmas start with Christmas day, ending yesterday, January 5th. This is followed by today, January 6th, the Epiphany. Look it up. Even if you're Anglican (for whom the Twelve Days are synonymous with Christmastide) they start at sunset on Christmas Eve. Today, January 6th, is the day that the wise men show up with gifts. If I had control over when to give gifts, it would be today, not Christmas day at all!

But that's not important right now.

The point here is that in Julia's song, she most definitely killed or rejected each gift within a day of getting it. Not only that, she started the season out with a fight on the Feast of St. Stephen (aka "boxing day", the day after Christmas. No tidings of comfort and joy from her!). Probably, her true love was sending gifts to appease "Her Royal Vengeance", since she didn't like the partridge she got on Christmas.

About her true love... he probably does a lot of groveling like that. She destroyed gift after gift after gift, and he kept sending them, to the tune of $34 thousand, minimum. That takes a lot of wimpage. He's got some serious co-dependency going on here. Probably didn't get enough approval from Mummy and now he's looking for it from a girlfriend. No wonder she doesn't respect him... he's waaaay too immature. Look at the impractical gifts he sends! I think a few sessions with Doctor Freud are called for.

As for the singer... she needs to go to an AA meeting. Immediately. And get some help with anger management while she's at it.

Don't bother... no amount of peace offerings will stem her irrational wrath.

Here's a link to my own (slightly dysfunctional) photo collection of The Twelve Days of Christmas. You can also download the PDF.


  1. I still say that the carnage and chicken soup started AFTER she got the last moronic gift. You talk about how much he spent on her- well how much SHE was expected to spend to take care of all those things?
    1. She gets a partridge in a pear tree. How big is the tree? Is she in a house or an apartment- where is she supposed to plant it, and will the HOA even allow her to do so? Partridges are not considered pets, they are considered to be game animals. So now she either has to keep it, and feed it from a cage in her home or in a cage in the back yard- again, HOA permitting.
    2 turtle doves, 3 French Hens, 4 calling birds- same problem. These are livestock, each with different needs as far as housing and food. What is the cost of a new dovecote, a chicken coop, a cage for the calling birds plus the various sacks of grains and water delivery systems for them all?
    OK, the 5 gold rings would have been ok- but as she said in the song, they were fake. Gee, thanks a lot.
    7 swans, 6 geese- now she needs a pond on her property, or needs to be willing to be a little goose girl and drive them to the pond and back daily so that they an exercise and forage. Of course, she will still need to supplement their food, collect and store the eggs and try to get rid of them- I doubt if she could eat 6 goose eggs a day. Now she's got not only the HOA on her back, but the county ag office has to inspect her birds- for a fee, and their goose and swan enclosures. Things are really starting to get expensive for her.
    Now add in 8 lactating cows and their personal maids, who will need to be housed, fed and checked by the county. The cows, not the maids. Does she live in an area that is zoned for cows? If not, she will have to move from her home to a farm someplace, get it all set up, move the various forms of livestock there and resign herself to a life of shoveling cow poop, waking early, and working her butt off. It is the gift that keeps on taking!
    9 ladies dancing. Just the cost of the toe shoes would get to be frightening.
    10 lords a leaping, getting in everyone's way.
    Drummers and pipers? Are you NUTS???

    Upon reflection, maybe she DID kill off or get rid everything as soon as she got it, if only for self-defense, defense of her home and to protect her sanity.

  2. Told ya she did... (and too late!)